Me, Myself and the IRS

Years ago, I had a period of unemployment and raided my 401(k) for money to live on.  I was unaware of the tax implications and soon I had a very large tax bill.  I was set up on a payment plan but it was still a very large monthly payment, set up on a direct debit through my bank.

This caused me to start my second career at the John Barleycorn and that is described in other stories.  I came into some money down the road and wanted to resolve this.  I called the IRS, found the exact payout, got a cashiers check, wrote in my SSN and tax year and sent it, certified mail, to the IRS.  All steps performed properly according to their instructions. 

In a few days and with another large debit looming, I called to get a status but, unfortunately, I learned that they had posted it to the wrong tax year.  I asked about my next direct debit and was informed they would take the money, sort it all out, reapply the funds and then, issue me a refund check.

I rang off thinking bloody hell you will.

I then called the Bank of America and placed a stop payment on the debit.  

A few hours later, I get a call from someone in the bank and, in this prim and proper, Lili Tomlin styled voice, asks, “Mr. Cairo?  Are you aware, Sir, that, hmmmmmmm, this stop payment is, hmmmmmmm, to the…”   She pauses and then adds for emphasis, “… the Internal Revenue Service?”

I also pause and then reply, “Yes, Ma’am.  I am fully aware.”

There was another pause and then her demeanor changed.  “Oh?” came her now soft reply.  After a longer pause, she added,  now in a hipper version of that soft reply, "Cool."  We rang off.

In a week or so, I got the most hate-filled letter imaginable from the IRS stating that I would be arrested, issued tax liens, prosecuted to the full extent of the law, suffered garnished wages, credit reports to be ravaged, boiled in oil, first born taken, pummeled and pounded and just generally abused because of this.

All I could think of was the silly French Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”   Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

I did as I always to with any communications from the IRS.  I simply crumpled up the letter and tossed it casually over my shoulder.  I find the IRS or any government agency doesn’t really get serious until the third letter.

Another week passed and my next letter from the IRS thanked me for my payment and informed me that the balance was zero.  They then thanked me for doing business with the friendly folks at your Internal Revenue Service.

I am convinced that to this day, there is a framed photograph of me, on the walls, hidden somewhere in the bowels of Bank of America with the caption, “My Hero.”